Sometimes I wonder,
what do I really want in life?

I feel as if I've lost the sense of direction in life.
I don't seem to have dreams.
Are dreams expectations?
Reality and expectations - they just don't come hand in hand.
I've always heard people say, be true to yourself, be who you are, and also be who you want to be. It's your dreams keep you going, dreams that make you hold on, so that you can really make dreams of yours come true.
But can I really be true to myself, now that I don't even know what it is that I want?

So many things have happened after I stepped into Poly, though it's only been a semester.
New people that I've met, joining Salvo, studying and more studying,
and also learning how to pick myself up when I fell really really hard.
& I'm still trying to put those pieces back, to the best I can.

Is excelling in studies what I want?
Is having a good career in life, what I want?
Is having a relationship, what I want?
Is having good friends around me, what I want?
Is knowing how to play the piano/drums well, what I want?

My life feels hollow.
not that there aren't things that keep me busy.
Also, I realised that after I fell, not that I don't want to, but I couldn't really smile from my heart anymore.
Things that used to make me happy easily, are now only "okay-okay" happy for me.
Don't know whether you'll get what I mean, but that's how I feel.

I miss that feeling of smiling from my heart.
There's just something there that's keeping me from being really happy, and really free.
I don't know what's that though.
Sometimes I'd just wish I could turn back time, and restart everything.
Then at least I know what I should do then.

I don't know what I can do now.
though I know school is starting, & I should get serious.

This is such a messed up post of thoughts.
I think I'm just someone with so many things going on in my head,
that I don't know how & where to start.